pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
