I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
