Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
