My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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