Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
