I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
