He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
