I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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