just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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