I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
