I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
