I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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