what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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