well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
