i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
