I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
