maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
