i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
