My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
