You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
