Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
