Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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