stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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