We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
vagina is talking i cant
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
