She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
