I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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