So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
