Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My apartment stinks of burning failure
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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