I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
