i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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