please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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