Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
