Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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