Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
