I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
