Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I faked an abortion last night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
