i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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