Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
