Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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