you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
