Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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