An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
