My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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