Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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