tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
