At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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