Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
