The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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