The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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