She is in my trunk
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
